Happy Old Year...

I can honestly say that I wish this year would be a little bit longer. It's been the best year of my life apart from when I was born.

I was engaged to my husband, for three days.

Married him, for the promise of a lifetime happiness.

We bought a house, for the foundation of our family.

Went to Spain, for two wonderful magical luscious weeks.

....I mean, what else could I have asked for?

Came into this year without a care in the world. Came into this year without a promise of it being the best of my life. Came into this year with arms wide open.


Of course, this year came with its sad tears and minor bumps #Firstworldproblems. The house hunting was a bit troublesome, the husband broke his foot, and the hardest one, we had to give up Daisy, which was for the best, but dang does it still hurt. BUT She's a happy and LOVED puppy, so there should be no more tears. Thankful every day for the new friends I made, the love that keeps pouring into my life from all the positive people I hold so dear to me, and the magic Ms Duchess keeps entertaining me with.

But all in all, thankful for the family I've created with my loving husband. The love of my life. Can't wait to see what 2014 has in store.

To peace, health and getting drunk on LOVE....

but most importantly get drunk in love...

Mrs. Daisy is driving herself

The fact of the matter is that, I'm 26 and I don't have a drivers license yet. Oh, and I'm also scared of driving. Probably one of the worst things to be other than drunk, or sleepy behind a wheel, is being scared. My parents never taught me because THEY were scared for me. So now you know where the problem began. The fear was instilled in me before I even had a chance. Also, it didn't help that I had an accident when I was 15 years old. One that only a few people know of, and now you do too. So sshhhh.

My husband has taken the initiative of teaching me. God bless his soul and mine for that matter. Even though this act of love and concern is great, I still wish it wasn't him that was teaching me. Let's just say Road Rage is his middle name and stupid drivers are his worst enemies and I being a first time driver doesn't necessarily make this better. I want to say that I want to zone him out every time he kind of scolds me, but behind that scold is a lesson and I can't exactly do that.

So far I've done pretty well but I'm talking about three driving lessons and one written practice test.

Mother of God, save me.

Love...

So I'm still hurting but peace is slowly coming. My baby girl is in good hands. Surrounded by people that will love her so much, and already do. But I still miss her. I just hope she doesn't miss me once. I can't even start to imagine if she did miss me. I hate seeing anyone else in pain bc of me. Even if I had enemies....I can't begin to think about plotting against them. My little cow, I hope she quickly forgets my face if she hasn't already. I love you. 

Mommys little girl

"Oh my God, she knows..."

This past Sunday a chunk of my heart broke off and I don't see it returning anytime soon. My husband and I made a decision, the hardest I think I've ever made in my 26 years of existence. We gave my baby girl Daisy to my cousin.

"Oh my God, she knows..." 

My little angel from above was never really mine to begin with. Ever since day one I had to fight to keep her. My dad threaten to kick us both out if Daisy stayed. Through tears and promises I convinced my dad to let me keep her. 

And with daisy there were four. My husband, duchess, daisy and I were a family. Little did I know that my little cow needed extra attention unlike my Duchess. I failed as a doggy mommy. I should have trained her better as she destroyed my dads backyard, drywall, and work shoes. I thought she was going through a puppy phase. It was more than that. I did not buckle down and I let her control my emotions. I should have tried harder but she always had one paw out the door. As time passed she grew to be more and more dominant and it hurt to see my baby Duchess just take it bc of her submissiveness. Fights between them got longer and scarier. 

"Oh my God, she knows..." 

My husband and I bought a house and even then he thought that maybe she wasn't fit to be in our family. Again, I cried and huffed and puffed telling him that she belonged with us. My little runt. She came with and all was right till I saw the life she would live if she stayed with us. Eight hours locked up in the laundry room with so much energy pent up, then we would come home from work and our energy would be drained. (Duchess is the chillest dog and she is never locked up bc she is done with the destructive phase) Not being able to make up for that time. She didn't belong in this house but I just couldn't even muster the idea of letting go. Something clicked one day though, she needed more love and attention. I asked my cousin if he was still interested and he said yes. (Shelters were NEVER EVER AN OPTION. Ive even made my cousin promise me to give her back if he couldn't handle her) I cried. I cried as I saw his message saying he would take her because I knew right there and then that my little perfect family would be broken up. 

"Oh my God, she knows..."

The night before we gave her to my cousin, I had a dream that I was best friends with Kristen Wiig and we were pulling pranks on people. People say that dreams are a way of God talking to us. Maybe it's true or not but if he was talking to me, he was probably saying to not be sad. My Heart kept getting heavier and heavier as time passed and it was closer to going to my cousins. I sat in the back seat with her and she sat right on me. My little dog was protecting me and loving me till the very end. Got out of the car and tears were on the edge of my ducts, waiting. I handed the leash to my cousin and my happy little daisy was acting as happy as always. Excited for all of this attention she was getting. I explained to my cousin what to do and what not to do as fast as I could so that I could leave as fast as possible. We double parked so it wasn't like we had an option. Said goodbye as my voice started cracking and as I started walking away not wanting to look back, he said, "Oh my God, she knows.." and I looked back like the idiot that I am and I saw her little face through the fence. Just staring at me, probably wondering why I was leaving her behind. I don't even remember anything after that. Next thing I know, I'm in the car and my brother in law is trying to console me. His words were like sand going through open hands. I only kept hearing "Oh my god, she knows..." Over and over again. And every time I do, I physically need to hold myself so that I don't lose it. It's been three days and I can hear it as clear as a bell. My sighs and breaths are so deep, it feels like I'm gasping for air, it feels like I'm drowning and all this water keeps filling my lungs, burning my lungs, trying to fill my lungs with something. Mornings are the worst. I would be woken up with a tail wagging and hitting everything in its way. Jumps and kisses. I miss her but I know she is probably better in her new home. Getting all the attention necessary since my cousin works from home. My little angel. I hope she doesn't think I just left her bc I didn't love her. I loved her too much that I had to let her go. I didn't really feel like saying anything to anyone but questions will arise and I just want to be done and over with this. I want to wake up with eternal sunshine in my spotless mind but it looks impossible. Time will heal all though. Time will heal all. Time will heal all. Time will heal all.

Update:

It has now been what seems like years but it's only been a little over two months that i've physically seen her and held her close to me. It still stings and some days I want to just bawl but it's a lot better from the first days. Just like I'd known all along, Daisy is doing wonderful with my cousin. She has won many hearts and is in great hands. The little princess is the center of attention, just like she needed to be. I see pictures and videos of her little adventurous times at my cousins and it makes my heart so happy. That little baby girl, how I miss her so. As for Duchess missing her, I've said Daisy's name a couple of times and Duchess doesn't even bat an eye at my direction. She's happy to be the only child again. Probably relieved.

This is a picture he sent me of her not too long ago. It looks like she's living the life.

I rather..

be immature than being stuck up and pretending like I'm too good for jokes. That's how people get old.

What do you do...

...when things don't go right? I often think that maybe one day, one day I will break down and cry for 25 hours because one day of crying just wouldn't be enough. We were so close to moving in to our humble abode but things turned into bananas and we split. (See what I did there.) I know that it is no reason to get upset, because like my friend said "Be grateful that you have the privilege about even worrying about that kind of stuff..." and darn it, he's right. Passing homeless people left and right in the morning like if I was avoiding cracks on the sidewalk.

I know that everything will be alright. I just wish it wouldn't take over my husbands head because his pretty little head is gonna turn 50 shades of grey overnight.

This day, the house "situation" had me like a yo yo. My mind was doing circles around my body. I could see it. I did quite a few mistakes today but nothing a good kick in the mental ass couldn't fix.

P.S. Why do people think it's ok to be bossy? I mean, I know you have "authority" over me, but don't push it. I want to see some people do stuff that they don't have to do just so they could see how "easy" they keep saying it is. Please, shut up. I said please.

Tonight, when I was so anxious to just go to bed and sleep, I sat on the train and all of a sudden I heard this young man, probably in his late 20's early 30's call his mom to pick him up because he had new shoes and didn't want to walk because he wanted to make time for his video games. Yes, one of those guys. Well, the man turned around to this younger lady and asked "Hey, where are you coming from?"  Let me first start off by saying that since I was probably in one of those grumpy moods, I thought that if he had said that to me, I would have easily pretended that I didn't hear him until he got the point that I didn't want to make conversation. But this young lady said "I just came from a musical!" insert biggest smile ever. The man proceeded to ask "How was it?" and she said "It was awesome!...." I couldn't hear the rest but her voice sounded very enthusiastic. I couldn't tell if she was being genuine because my brain was too fried to even want to eavesdrop, but five minutes passed and she was still talking to him with genuine responses and she was even asking him questions. I'm sorry, I know that I can be a little guarded against strangers but that is only because I watch way too much TV and I know that certain men can be creepos, rapists, etc. But I was probably wrong, and here this woman was talking to him like if they were gonna be instantly BFFs. He asked "So you got a man?" and I thought to myself "yup, this is what I was waiting for." He is trying to see if she is single or not and was she gonna be like "phew, this is my escape let me tell him that I'm married so that he can get a hint to stop talking to me" but she said "I'm married! Yesterday was our one month anniversary!" and they continued their conversation.

I'm a sad little creature sometimes. I can't seem to be THAT friendly like that woman was. She was getting a star from me and I wanted to tell her how beautiful she was because she was not rude, she was not curt, she was warm, friendly, and most of all not a judge. I judged him before he even said a word on the phone. I wanted to take out my "I'm married" badge (they should make those for real though, for creeps that try to hit on me) and tell him to beat it. But he just wanted to make conversation. Everyone wants to make conversation at least once in their life. Nobody wants to be lonely, not even spiders ::shudders::. And I must add, when they finished their conversation, he turned around and then turned to me and I pretended like I was falling asleep. I'm a bitch. lol.



And even though I said in the beginning of my story that I was sleepy, I had to take time for this girl. She deserves to be recognized. I loved that young lady today. What a beautiful human being.

I always knew...

...that when I would get married, but I never knew that it would be to my best friend. He is something else, he never ceases to amaze me. That outer shell he carries is no shell at all. He carries his heart and soul on his sleeve and he is always true to himself.

I married a man. Thank you God for that.

Time seems like it's ticking faster every day. Just this Monday, it was a month since we've been married. It's been like a dream, I still can't get over the fact that he's my husband. A person that will grow old with me. To build a future with our bare hands, to leave a mark on this world with our love...that's all I want. I want it to never end. That in that next world, he'll still be with me.

I love my family. My little family.

Fourth time

Fourth time my husband and I have gone house hunting. It's no easy feat. I thought it would be, and I can see stress that is causing the love of my life and I wish I could just take it all away. My poor man stresses out so much. I know we will find our house, and I know that everything will be alright. Just wish he would have confidence that we will find our home.

Talking about home, I hope he knows that he is my home. Wherever he goes, and I am not there, I will be homesick. I will miss his hugs, his kiss, his words my shelter...

my girls are sleeping right next to me and I wish I could just snuggle up next to them like they do with me in the middle of the night. but for some reason, they don't think I'm an excellent sneaky snuggler. They move two feet from me and start their slumber all over again. Hmph.

It's getting closer. Closer to forever with my boo every moment I spend with him, we are growing older. We grew up together, find ourselves together even when we are miles apart. I love him forever, the captain of my heart.

I wish I was with him right now.

I wish I could actually drink a milkshake right now too. Fudge. I'm such a fat little kid inside.

Mental note: I must stop saying the word fat. I just said thirty minutes ago when I saw a picture of

Lol. no.

I'm getting married by church soon, I know that I don't need a religion to tell me that God has united us as husband and wife. God knows that the mister and I are one beating heart, two of a kind, three seeing eyes, four beating hearts. God has given us our blessing because if he hadn't then right now we wouldn't be husband and wife. He makes everything possible and I have faith that He knows that He is forever in our family. Church will just make everything "official" for my devout catholic family. I don't mind it honestly. There is nothing to mind. I like tradition. My parents were married in a church, my parent's parents where married in a church, his parents were married in a church...I think it's beautiful. It's a beautiful tradition, the lighting of the unity candle, my dad "giving me away" hehehe even though I'm already taken. LOL.

Oh and guys, I'm not pregnant. :)

We need some cheer...STAT!

My sweet, beautiful, charming, friend Liz has the blahs and I dedicate this post to her. 

Give me a C! Give me an H! Give me an E! Give me an E! Give me a R! 

lets start off with a picture of this little thing

This is you right now, let's see if we can turn your blahs into a smile. 

So there was this kitten that lived in a sock...

He had nothing to do while his friends were all out, giving out hugs..

 

His buddy...Putzo said "Hey! I don't do no hugs! Don't you look at me!"

So he asked his duckling friends to come over so they could all hang out, but they couldn't seem to get over the sidewalk...

They were too small...

Are you smiling yet? If not then...

SO onwards with my story... So kitten calls his friend Smiley ask if he wants to hang out but he is too busy smiling because he's all drugged out. (Got his balls cut off) 

So Kitten gives up and decides to work out, but this winter was a long one and he feels like a walrus doing sit ups...

The feat was too much and he decides to just take a nap but could not go to sleep so he decides to count sheep but instead he got a smiling lamb in his head...

........

I love...

I usually write these when I feel a little down...I don't know what it is that is bringing me a down but I'm sure it will be gone as soon as I remind myself of the little things I love.

1. I love listening to my coworkers (men) talk sports at work. I swear I can listen to them for hours. They are so passionate and they have so much knowledge of it that it boggles my mind. Sometimes I don't know what they are talking about when they start bringing out statistics and such but I don't care, I'm entertained by the emotion behind every word. A girl would hope that men have that much passion when they talk about their girlfriends or wives, but who are we kidding...



2. I love listening to people complain about their petty problems. Makes me appreciate my life more. Ain't nobody got time for that.

3. I love that my friends are nurses, and veterinarians. Makes me asking questions much more easier and I don't have to go to that gosh darn awful webmd website which opens pandora box.

4. I love crossword puzzles. Brain food!


5. I love to watch the Investigation Discovery channel. Although, it's a little morbid, I like playing Sherlock Holmes. I especially love it when my husband decides to watch it with me because he comes up with these crazy theories and he ends up being right most of the time! I think he was Sherlock Holmes in his past life...

6. I love the feeling of passing the train tracks without having to wait for a freight train for twenty minutes. All of you Berwynites know what I'm talking about.

7. I love spring colors. I would wear them year round.

8. I love haters. They are my stepping stones.

9. I love peanut butter with apples. Heaven.

10. I love that Iovan and I got married and nobody knew but our family and a few friends. It was if two stars collided, the earth was shaking, the sun was shining brighter than ever and all the while everyone were going about their business not knowing that a new world was created. It was so intimate.





<3

No cigar...Yeah? Well, I don't smoke anyways.

So my husband and I just came back from seeing some houses and this is our second time that we are just astounded how photographers know all the right angles and how to make many houses aesthetically pleasant-looking in pictures. We have yet to find the house we will call home for many years to come but right now I feel like we are Goldilocks "too cold, too hot...too small, too big...too fucking ugly." Where is our "just perfect"?!

Side note: Husband just asked me what I was doing and I said blogging and he just passed gas and said "Blog about that..." He's just sooooo romantic. -_-

 I will not be depressed about this. With all good things, it takes time, I mean Iovan waited 8 years to put a ring on it...but let it be clear it's a pretty GORGEOUS ring. ;) So I'm sure we will find it. I have no fear.

In other news, baby Daisy is gonna get spayed tomorrow, so mini panic attacks, imagination running wild, and itchy armpits (yes, that happens when I'm nervous. yes, I know that's weird)  have been happening for the past week. I know that this is an everyday procedure but I don't like that thing I have to sign before turning in my pitboo. Something along the lines of  "...and your dog can die during surgery...sorry." UUUUUUUGH! I know they have to say that but damn it, way to freak out a mother. I decided to go to a cute pet store and buy her a "i'm sorry I just had people take your womanhood" present.  Hope she likes it. :/

Side Note: I love those AT&T commercials with the little kids.

Well, gotta go to sleep soon. Have to be at the Spay/Neuter clinic at 7:15 am, all bright eyed and bushy-tailed.

P.S. I'm gonna pray for the hobo that called me a cocksucker yesterday, which I thought was hilarious and I took no offense to it because I think the guy was schizo, and my friend Alex, poor guy seems lost most of the time

Gonna pray extra hard and gonna love extra hard.

♥

Mrs. Plascencia

I'm absolutely the happiest girl in the world. And no, you don't have to be married to be happy but I'm soaking up this beautiful sun and I'm excited about life. I keep taking one moment at a time and each time is better than the last one. Even before I married my best friend, I was happy. I have my health, my family, a job that lets me enjoy other things in life.

I can't say that I know what married life is for now because at the moment we are in search of our humble abode but I know it's gonna be amazing. I really wish people can keep their negative comments to themselves too. I don't want to hear "marriage is hard, I hope you know what you got yourself into." Or "I think marriage is a waste of time" I can't and won't even start thinking my life in such a negative way. I know I must be realistic but I cannot worry about bad things that haven't even happened (you have no idea how hard it was to type that last sentence because I don't even want to put those words out there). Marrying my husband (which I think the word husband is such an understatement for what I think about Iovan) is the best thing I've done in my life. Our love has created so many memorable moments and I'm so grateful. Whatever comes our way, I know that we will embrace it. I know that whatever is thrown our way good or good, it will only make us stronger and better. My husband, the love of my existence, my world, my heart is such an amazing man, I can only imagine that our life together as a family will be 15 million times amazing.

I do

Whirlwind of emotions, love is in the air and I'm soaking it all in. Of course, this has come as a surprise to everyone but I knew what direction my life was going in when I met Iovan. I knew that once we got engaged, we could have practically gotten married that same day but because of the law we need a marriage license first and that just puts a halt to everything.

I can't even begin to describe what happened yesterday...it all seems so cloudy, so dreamy, like at any moment I can wake up and not find that wedding band on my left hand and still have "Garcia" on Facebook, and you damn well know that it's not official until Facebook says it is. Lol. Stupid social media site.

So it's Monday now and I'm just now trying to let my feet touch the ground because I have been living on cloud nine since last Tuesday when I got engaged. Lol. I seriously could have said in my wedding day that I felt like I had just gotten engaged three days ago because I did. :) I can't even begin to recant what happened on Friday. I remember waking up to more heart shaped pancakes (oh, mother, lol). I don't even remember finishing my breakfast. So I went back to my room and sat on my bed to pray. I prayed for so much and I thanked Him for all the blessings I have been receiving. Butterflies settled down but then I needed to get in my dress and the butterflies came back but with friends.

So this is what I remember: taking the pins off my hair, squealing with my sisters, running late, my dad banging on the front door bc we were running late. My dear sweet friend Michu catching me while I'm running out the door to tell me how happy she is for me and that she wishes me so many good things. I appreciate her dearly. Then off to the courthouse we went. I needed to call my nerves so I put on my headphones and started to listen to some above and beyond (thank goodness for trance). We got there and honestly thought I was the only one getting married but there were so many people there. Love is in the air and random people were congratulating us. Thankful for them.

First person I saw was my sweet brother-in-law, who tells me "You can still run...", told you he was sweet. A crowd of people were by the door and there he was, looking just as happy and nervous as me. My heart flipped flopped and I knew this was it, this is were I needed to be. They had given us a number, which they were gonna call us with for our private ceremony. We were still waiting to be called but it was fine bc my sister-in-law and brother in-law hadn't arrived. I was happy, he was holding my hand and that was keeping me sane.

I figured by now I would be a big sobbing mess but I still hadn't processed it all. Finally, my cute sister-in-law had arrived with my beautiful bouquet, words cannot describe how thankful I was for her.

And that's when we heard "couple number 6...."

I was still intact, I was not crying, I was smiling and joyful. We were greeted by this sweet petite judge and we all exchanged pleasantries. We all went to our places and then she began, "Family and friends, we are gathered here today..."

That's when I lost it.

As tears were strolling down my cheek, choking on my vows, all I could remember was his face, and how throughout the whole ceremony I saw before my eyes we were transforming into one. We were promising to love and cherish each other for as long as we both shall live and then in a matter of minutes we became a family. It all became like a dream, it was one of the most beautiful moments I had ever had with him. I'm so thankful for everything. I was marrying my best friend, my lover, the future father of my children.

After that, the whole day was spent with my family, who are my EXTRA special people. Because you all know that everyone besides my family are special to me.

In all honesty, I wish I could have invited everyone but our wallets are just not in it. Having to share these moments with the people I love would have been what I wanted the most. But Iovan and I think it's better to have the smallest ceremony possible so that we can start our life together with no debt. Don't get me wrong, I love big weddings, but sometimes I just don't see the point of it when people with limited resources go all out, which in return stresses them out, leaves them broke, and only lasts not even a whole day. In the end, the wedding becomes more about other people having fun and the newlyweds are trying to make sure their uncles don't get really drunk and have to keep chasing a photographer so that they can capture a specific moment they want. I know I don't have to explain myself but I don't want anyone to think that I'm completely disregarding the rest of my extended family and close friends. I love you all and I hope you know that.

And for the one hundredth time, we are not pregnant. -_-

Just know that we, my husband and I, are extremely grateful for all your beautiful thoughts and congratulations. We hold them dear to our heart.


Love, Mrs. Plascencia.

Did today just happen?

I thought waking up with two big butts (I do not lie) on my face would be the highlight of my day. Waking up late lounging around in my workout clothes like if I had any intention of working out was my idea of spending the afternoon. But I had a list of things to do: clean dishes, laundry, walk the dogs, errands, clean room (or attempt to). Running hours behind, I figure I could skip some but I crammed. I do not like procrastination but I master it. Dishes cleaned, boom. Laundry done, boom. Run with the dogs, boom boom. Clean room...meh. Errands not needed to be done, phew. I had asked my sister to run errands with me and she'd get free starbucks, but since errands were canceled, I figured I'd still take her out.

We walked and talked, mostly about absolutely nothing but still something, if you know what I mean. I love her. We sat at starbucks and shared a pastry. At that moment, I thought that would be the highlight of my day and I thought, "that's not so bad." Got to the house just in time and my dad asks me to pick up doo doo in the backyard and I said "yes, THIS is the highlight."

Boyfriend calls me to walk with me and Duchess to the park.....

this part is a moment I will always cherish, and I love, even thinking about it makes me want to cry, but I shake and I mentally slap myself and I tell myself "get it together, the man of your dreams wants to marry you. stop being a crybaby. THAT WAS THE FREAKING HIGHLIGHT OF YOUR LIFE"

Maybe one day, I will share that story, but for now, I'll just let you know that the boy did good. Oh, did he ever.

Telling my dad, well, not knowing how we would tell him except shove the ring at his face and hoping for the best. We did not plan that well but it still worked out till the dust settled after my sister had blown it up with the scream of the year. My dad is super happy, my mom is ecstatic, his mom never failing to show her happiness for us, and my sisters have roller coaster emotions.

Seriously this is them:
 "Yay, we have an extra room now!"...five seconds later..."I can't believe she is leaving...::uncontrollable sobs:" ....."What color should we paint her room."......"Don't talk about this anymore, I'm gonna start crying...::tears streaming down cheeks::"


So even though this happened today, I think I'm gonna keep all of my memories and tears for one more day and then release them tomorrow. So when you are reading this, this happened yesterday and today I would have been someone's fiance for one whole day. Fiance, ooh la la.

How am I ever gonna sleep tonight.

If I had to describe my emotions with a song, this would be the perfect song right now...

Love is...

Making each other laugh, till it hurts...

Screaming for joy because a Girl Scout cookies stand is outside of Walmart and almost giving him a heart attack because I've might have screamed a little too loud...

Knowing that we are on each others mind more than food, and that is saying a lot...for me.

Stolen kisses in public places, pretending that no one is watching and if they are not giving one fu...

Creating rap groups in the middle of the street in the middle of the night..

Knowing that one of us (mainly me) is not going to make it through the whole night of drinking and putting them to bed so they can play some nba jam...(him)

Endless massages....they are never enough.

too young

Sometimes, just sometimes, we think too highly of ourselves. We are so far up on that cloud only to see that that cloud won't take you far. You'll fall right through it and the people who you've judged, hated, backstabbed will not be standing there to catch you.

I can't live without my family, my close friends, my Heart.

We can't change people, we can only change ourselves and how we choose to accept people.

I will encounter people that will never agree with me, never accept me, and never even bat an eyelash at me, but it's ok. I send them peace and love.

Too young to have sadness in my heart. When I'm 79, I'll still be too young for all of that.

P.S. Stop being a Cherophobian

Another cold day here in the chicagoland area and all I got to do was watch Meet Joe Black (has become one of my faves movies) and finished watching the last half of You've Got Mail....(I do that, I leave shit halfway bc I get bored or have stuff to do and then whenever I have ABSOLUTELY nothing to do, then maybe I'll watch it)

But as I was seating down like the biggest couch potato of my life I decided that I needed to start my workout routine again. I felt pudgy around the waist and honestly when I decided to walk up the stairs instead of the escalators this morning, I was out of breath. So it is 9 p.m. and I was mentally preparing myself, hyping myself up, encouraging to stop being lazy and at 11, I finally got up and changed and found myself back on the couch checking an email Pokemon Master sent me and I fell back into comfortableness. Meh.

I do that and really, who doesn't? Finding the tiniest excuse to not get up and start sweating and hurting yourself on purpose...because that is what workouts mean. Killing yourself to feel better about oneself.

Biggest OXYMORON if you ever ask me. :)

So I sat down to do my first sit up, I really felt like this...

This is gonna be a really long winter.

A dream was crushed today, but I should not fret about it. Everything will work out and I know eventually I will look back and laugh it off. Actually, I've done it already and I know more of those dreams will be dreamed again and will become a reality.

i try really hard, i try to bring light into my heart, to see the good in people but especially everything that i've gone through in my life. i try hard to learn the lesson and to not repeat it again, but i dwell on it so much that i don't see that i'm making the mistake again. if life were easy, there would be no pain, no breathless nights while sobbing on the drenched pillow smeared with the mascara from last night. if life were easy, there would be no time for "what if's" and what not's"

i'm sure life can be easy, but why haven't i learned to stay in my path to the light?

there is this one moment i hit rewind in my brain at different times of the day...i almost feel a tear coming and a "why?" but with my almightest of mights my heart says "stop, you've had enough" and like that the moment of being in tears slips like the sand running through my hands. so grateful for the power my mind has, but sometimes it forgets and it fails to keep up that great china wall i built around it so it can keep the bad thoughts out.

love can only see me through. i need love. give me love. i want love. 

Ultimately, my life has kept a quiet heartline, so far no ups or downs...it's stagnant. I want to break from these chains that keep me wrapped up like a mouse in a mouse trap. Firstly, I want to get rid of some people in my life, but some of them have ties with those really close to me and I don't know how to kindly cut those ties without it affecting the other person. I don't know how long I can keep this facade....I wish I could keep them in my life, but they've done enough damage. Someone bring me back my Julia Magoo...she knew what to say, now she is so far away.

Today, I loved not having to work, I slept in, and I got to walk my girls.

Today, I loved being in bed for just forty minutes laying on his tummy and watching garbage shows and laughing.

Today, I loved that I sort of worked out and had too much fun doing it.

Today, I loved watching every single time my Mr. Commissioner laughing. His smile is everything.

One can only wish for something so much and when it fails to come to you, you feel defeated and you don't want to fight for it anything anymore.

But I can't. I need to keep wishing and working and trying until my dream comes true. Until then mouth shut, head up, hands down, march forward and one breath at a time.