I became a "vegetarian" five months ago. Pft. My vegetarian phase lasted three months and these past two months I've inserted a few meat pieces into my digestive system.
Naughty.
I'm not gonna lie, summer brings out this sort of carnivore monster from inside me. The grill is all fired up, my dad grills onions, some potatos, and my mom makes my favorite dish...guacamole...mmmmmmmm. Even the name makes my mouth all watery. Since the beginning of May, every weekend I've eaten at least one meal with meat and then Sunday comes and I say "NEVER AGAIN AM I EATING MEAT! NEVAAAAA!" The whole week i'm ok with eating veggies and Friday starts creeping, I see meat and I go crazy. Crazy! It's disgusting. Just two hours ago, my boyfriend's brother left some baby back ribs at home and I swear I thought I heard my name being called out, they were carved with my name all over it and I attacked. Ten minutes later after eating only two small ribs....I felt dirty. I felt like a virgin who just had sex with the alter boy in the alley behind a church. Yeah, dirty just like that.
(The reason why I put quotation marks on the word vegetarian up there is because I've recently decided that I very much dislike labels. Why do people need to be called something? Why must everyone be labeled? Why can't I just say I don't want to eat meat? Why can't I just say that I love different types of music genre, different types of movies, different clothing styles, different everything. Why must I be called a vegetarian, hippie, etc etc. I'm Marcela and I love everything that comes my way and everything that still hasn't entered into my world.)
As for my happiness, well, let's say that I need some work in that department as well. I am happy. I can proudly say that I am very happy because I am aware at how blessed I am at this very moment. I have my family, who is healthy, who are all living under a beautiful house. I have a beautiful little creature who loves me unconditionally and is healthy as well. I have a friend and a confidant in my boyfriend. And many more wonderful things....but there are still moments where I feel like I need something more out of this world and I'm not getting it. I feel like my heart is not in a right place sometimes and these dark thoughts come over me and the sun is all of sudden nowhere to be found.
For a year or so, I've been a place where I've questioned everything. I've questioned my religion, my future, my present, my everyday decisions and sometimes I feel like these questions sometimes get me lost and to tell you the truth, sometimes I think there are some stuff that don't need to be questioned. I'm not saying questions are bad, in fact, I think I've grown more because of them. I've made my own decisions and not just go along with what other people think. I've opened my eyes up to a whole new world. I guess you can say that I've actually been hiding behind people because I was afraid of what was out in the world and I thought I'd be safer behind the opinions and ideas of others.
I have a lot that I want to say but I've been so distant from my blog world that my words are all jumbled up together. I will have another day for my thoughts...so for now, this is pretty much what I could make into sentences. So far I will be taking this one day at a time. It's the only way I can survive. I'm not a perfect human, but I'm a beautiful imperfect human being with a growing heart. I know that for sure. For now, I'm going to dance my way out of this post....
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