Today, I felt so much hate. I felt pain.

This past few days I've been tweeting messages to people indirectly. Bad ones. I do not care. I felt that way and I don't care.

Yesterday, I saw a service dog and I almost teared up. Such an innocent and pure mind. Ever loyal to its owner, leading them away from danger as their happiness has been stripped away possibly forever...but maybe not, maybe it brings them happiness to see their owners well. Maybe they are truly the only unselfish souls in this world.

This weekend I saw first hand how people are so careless. Words are thrown around as if they had no worldly meaning behind them.

Tonight, I feel love and somewhat peace. Writing to him makes nights easier. When the words that my heart spew out and are finally put down somewhere where he can see them, it makes everything easier.

Tomorrow is another day.

today, did something to my head. it made something click. it made me realize how life can be so simple and calm but a storm can build underneath you with no warning and it washes over you and turn you upside down. what makes us feel this way? what hormone did not want to cooperate and made me feel like poop on the dining room floor. i did not ask to feel this way. maybe i just miss a voice. a voice i haven't heard in what feels like a while.

today, did something to my heart. it felt heavy and it did not want to comply with the smile i was putting up. i wanted to really laugh at all the jokes that were being passed around. i wanted to really feel well when they asked me how i felt.

texts were written then erased, texts were being written then sent to drafts.

seconds passed and i almost felt like seconds were hours and and hours were days. everything is ok. nothing is missing but that voice....

today, did something to my body. it aches in all places and it's not like i haven't stretched enough to not reach this level of pain. but i felt it even in my fingertips. i opened doors just to find myself at the start of it all.

then i come home to find a note and a some jokes and i cracked a smile. a real one. and my heart was complete.

thank you.

but that voice...where are you?

you don't know me. nobody does. rain falls on me like it tries to hurt me but i find out it's only try to wash the bad things off. rain, rain harder please. let this bad things wash off my soul as I try my hardest to find the sun in everything. let love come to me like wind comes to this city. always finding itself back in this little city. love will always find me.

make the rain rain harder God.

been seeing "be here now" a little too much now, and damn it, if I don't take that as a sign, you might as well take my eye sight. it's perfect. I've had questions bubbling up and I stop myself before I speak. they are questions regarding the past, and some include the future. some questions have escaped my mouth though and unfortunately have gotten me in trouble.

simple days, come back.

 This is what makes me cry. When showing love doesn't necessarily mean saying "I love you" or going over the top with flowers and candy. It's when it comes in the simplest of forms, like this.

"Don’t let your mind get weary 
And confused your will be still, don’t try  
Don’t let your heart get heavy 
Child, inside you there’s a strength that lies
Don’t let your soul get lonely 
Child, it’s only time, it will go by  
Don’t look for love in faces, places  
It’s in you that’s where you’ll find kindness"

There is no cure for me, never will be. My heart is a wild horse galloping and making circles around the people that I love dearly so. I scream, I cry, I yell, and I make it impossible for people to live around me, but it is only because I care so much. 

Love is and will always be the best thing that ever happened to our souls. Without love, there would be no passion, no butterflies, no long sighs and beautiful dreams. There would be no motivation, no inspiration, no salvation. 

Why have I been burdened with this feeling though? 

All I do is love, but I destroy as well. Questions build up and all I do is doubt. There should be no doubt around love and no love around doubt. 

When will my heart ever fix me? 

When will life just seem like the biggest easiest puzzle to put together?

Questions. That's all I ask. I need answers and I am screaming for them. Who will give them to me? Who will even listen to them? 

I stand in the dark and I close my eyes, looking for some light. I see it but with it I see this line. I just runs up and down and all I want to do is look at the light. But this line, it's just there, it's taunting me and laughing at me as I don't know the big reason behind it. Is it my path? Is it asking if I should choose to go up and down? What is it? 

Questions. Does anyone have anytime for me? I ask them to some, but they just don't want to explain...they don't want to help...

Love. I want to love till the end of the earth without the affects of it. 

Love-Affects:  questions. 

"Last night I told ya I loved ya

that's when I remembered the vodka.

Last night I told ya I need ya

that's the last time I drink tequila.
Last night I asked ya to marry me

that's when I remembered the brandy."

I'm a selfish woman and I'm trying to fix that. I keep thinking about all the problems I have and what my family is going through. This morning though, while ordering my breakfast, I looked up and watched the Hispanic worker standing in front of this huge open oven, which I'm sure was burning his back, just making bread. I thought how maybe he didn't have a choice because he's supporting his three kids back home, trying to give them a life he always dreamed of having. I sent him a little prayer. So many people around me remind me of my family and how their struggles are pretty much alike  my family's struggles.

There is a busser in the morning that I just simply adore, he reminds me of my dad but this man is much older than him. He man is such a sweet quiet old man. I swear he is probably like 60. Hard worker nonetheless, like I said, reminds me of my dad. I wish I could give him all of my money sometimes, bc I know he is supporting his family just like my dad tries to do.

I sometimes hear how some people grow up with their parents giving them everything and I am so shocked. Not jealous bc who am I to decide who gets to live a life carefree and having everything paid for them. Good for them. I hope they continue to be blessed because I would never wish anyone to go through hardships. I'm not saying I am going through one bc thankfully my sister is working, my mom works, we have a roof over our head and we never go hungry. We even have enough to be able to maintain two dogs.

I know people have it worse than I. That is why I know I should stop stressing so hard. I will be fine. I just hope that people around me are going to be fine as well.

Today is bringing me down. I don't know why. Woke up from a demonic dream this mornin and I can't stop thinking about it. Ugh, and right now that Kelly Clarkson song is playing and I want to barf. Wish I could get over that.

This morning, I did not want to wake up and I blame that five day weekend I had. Lounging in my house can only be good for a short amount of time till I start thinkin how much money I'm not making right now, and right now I need all the money in the world for so many things. Stupid money, it controls my life. Romney better not win. Don't like that guy one bit. But today came and I feel like I haven't rested enough. I need to start meditating and center myself. I'm sure my soul is in knots.

P.s. I love my Mr. Commissioner. He told me I should write short stories from those nightmares I have and I don't know if he was pulling my leg but then he said "I'm just trying to get something positive out of your bad dreams." I don't think I've ever heard(see) the word positive come out of his mouth. It was so not him. He calls himself a realist. I call realist non-dreamers and negative nancys. So when he said that, I had the biggest smile on my face and an unsettling but good feeling. So maybe I will write stories out of these creepy dreams...creep you guys out too.

Spoke to Velveeta about my dream and she gave me this whole interpretation of it and I can almost see everything she said make sense. I need to start my journey. I can feel her getting wiser and more understanding. She is definitely on to something.

Another weird thing today, I keep thinking that I'm hearing that Ellie Goulding song, you know, the one in that Beats commercial..."I know its gonna be, I know its gonna be...alright."  strange. Sign? I hope so

Anywho...I wish I could snap out of this tiny funk.