i try really hard, i try to bring light into my heart, to see the good in people but especially everything that i've gone through in my life. i try hard to learn the lesson and to not repeat it again, but i dwell on it so much that i don't see that i'm making the mistake again. if life were easy, there would be no pain, no breathless nights while sobbing on the drenched pillow smeared with the mascara from last night. if life were easy, there would be no time for "what if's" and what not's"

i'm sure life can be easy, but why haven't i learned to stay in my path to the light?

there is this one moment i hit rewind in my brain at different times of the day...i almost feel a tear coming and a "why?" but with my almightest of mights my heart says "stop, you've had enough" and like that the moment of being in tears slips like the sand running through my hands. so grateful for the power my mind has, but sometimes it forgets and it fails to keep up that great china wall i built around it so it can keep the bad thoughts out.

love can only see me through. i need love. give me love. i want love. 

Ultimately, my life has kept a quiet heartline, so far no ups or downs...it's stagnant. I want to break from these chains that keep me wrapped up like a mouse in a mouse trap. Firstly, I want to get rid of some people in my life, but some of them have ties with those really close to me and I don't know how to kindly cut those ties without it affecting the other person. I don't know how long I can keep this facade....I wish I could keep them in my life, but they've done enough damage. Someone bring me back my Julia Magoo...she knew what to say, now she is so far away.

Today, I loved not having to work, I slept in, and I got to walk my girls.

Today, I loved being in bed for just forty minutes laying on his tummy and watching garbage shows and laughing.

Today, I loved that I sort of worked out and had too much fun doing it.

Today, I loved watching every single time my Mr. Commissioner laughing. His smile is everything.

One can only wish for something so much and when it fails to come to you, you feel defeated and you don't want to fight for it anything anymore.

But I can't. I need to keep wishing and working and trying until my dream comes true. Until then mouth shut, head up, hands down, march forward and one breath at a time.

"Te mereces muchas cosas buenas, don't ever settle for less."

In tears, who would have thought this person could open my eyes. I know they have been opened before but this person could have actually helped me keep them open.

Love and greatness is all around.

Tito mio

It's been three years grandpa and we still miss you. My mother still winces at the sound of your name, at the sight of your face on a picture, or the sound of your voice on a home movie. She is the one thing you can sure be proud of and I'm thankful you gave me such a beautiful mother. Let me feel your presence tonight, and leave some advice at the foot of my bed. God knows I need it more than ever as I pick my road to ky future. You were loved by family and even strangers. They knew that you were a great man, a good man, and some even took advantage of that. Yet you still showed no hate or remorse. Grandpa, I miss our phone calls, the ones that asked so many questions about my life and I never heard a hint of fakeness that most family members have when they "show" interest in your life. Through the other line I could hear your proudness of even my smallest accomplishments. The most insignificants of events all marked with a star by you. Thank you Tito. For the life you once led and the legacy you've left behind. My kids will know who you were, they are gonna wish they knew you like I did too. I love you Tito. I'm sure God made you one of his best friends and you are making him laugh so much.

i've gone and done it now. i pushed myself too far and i can't stop it.

i need to let go.

when things come so easily, one must be prepared always to let it go easily.

it's not mine. never was and now i can't.