too young

Sometimes, just sometimes, we think too highly of ourselves. We are so far up on that cloud only to see that that cloud won't take you far. You'll fall right through it and the people who you've judged, hated, backstabbed will not be standing there to catch you.

I can't live without my family, my close friends, my Heart.

We can't change people, we can only change ourselves and how we choose to accept people.

I will encounter people that will never agree with me, never accept me, and never even bat an eyelash at me, but it's ok. I send them peace and love.

Too young to have sadness in my heart. When I'm 79, I'll still be too young for all of that.

P.S. Stop being a Cherophobian

Another cold day here in the chicagoland area and all I got to do was watch Meet Joe Black (has become one of my faves movies) and finished watching the last half of You've Got Mail....(I do that, I leave shit halfway bc I get bored or have stuff to do and then whenever I have ABSOLUTELY nothing to do, then maybe I'll watch it)

But as I was seating down like the biggest couch potato of my life I decided that I needed to start my workout routine again. I felt pudgy around the waist and honestly when I decided to walk up the stairs instead of the escalators this morning, I was out of breath. So it is 9 p.m. and I was mentally preparing myself, hyping myself up, encouraging to stop being lazy and at 11, I finally got up and changed and found myself back on the couch checking an email Pokemon Master sent me and I fell back into comfortableness. Meh.

I do that and really, who doesn't? Finding the tiniest excuse to not get up and start sweating and hurting yourself on purpose...because that is what workouts mean. Killing yourself to feel better about oneself.

Biggest OXYMORON if you ever ask me. :)

So I sat down to do my first sit up, I really felt like this...

This is gonna be a really long winter.

A dream was crushed today, but I should not fret about it. Everything will work out and I know eventually I will look back and laugh it off. Actually, I've done it already and I know more of those dreams will be dreamed again and will become a reality.

i try really hard, i try to bring light into my heart, to see the good in people but especially everything that i've gone through in my life. i try hard to learn the lesson and to not repeat it again, but i dwell on it so much that i don't see that i'm making the mistake again. if life were easy, there would be no pain, no breathless nights while sobbing on the drenched pillow smeared with the mascara from last night. if life were easy, there would be no time for "what if's" and what not's"

i'm sure life can be easy, but why haven't i learned to stay in my path to the light?

there is this one moment i hit rewind in my brain at different times of the day...i almost feel a tear coming and a "why?" but with my almightest of mights my heart says "stop, you've had enough" and like that the moment of being in tears slips like the sand running through my hands. so grateful for the power my mind has, but sometimes it forgets and it fails to keep up that great china wall i built around it so it can keep the bad thoughts out.

love can only see me through. i need love. give me love. i want love. 

Ultimately, my life has kept a quiet heartline, so far no ups or downs...it's stagnant. I want to break from these chains that keep me wrapped up like a mouse in a mouse trap. Firstly, I want to get rid of some people in my life, but some of them have ties with those really close to me and I don't know how to kindly cut those ties without it affecting the other person. I don't know how long I can keep this facade....I wish I could keep them in my life, but they've done enough damage. Someone bring me back my Julia Magoo...she knew what to say, now she is so far away.

Today, I loved not having to work, I slept in, and I got to walk my girls.

Today, I loved being in bed for just forty minutes laying on his tummy and watching garbage shows and laughing.

Today, I loved that I sort of worked out and had too much fun doing it.

Today, I loved watching every single time my Mr. Commissioner laughing. His smile is everything.

One can only wish for something so much and when it fails to come to you, you feel defeated and you don't want to fight for it anything anymore.

But I can't. I need to keep wishing and working and trying until my dream comes true. Until then mouth shut, head up, hands down, march forward and one breath at a time.