Love...

So I'm still hurting but peace is slowly coming. My baby girl is in good hands. Surrounded by people that will love her so much, and already do. But I still miss her. I just hope she doesn't miss me once. I can't even start to imagine if she did miss me. I hate seeing anyone else in pain bc of me. Even if I had enemies....I can't begin to think about plotting against them. My little cow, I hope she quickly forgets my face if she hasn't already. I love you. 

Mommys little girl

"Oh my God, she knows..."

This past Sunday a chunk of my heart broke off and I don't see it returning anytime soon. My husband and I made a decision, the hardest I think I've ever made in my 26 years of existence. We gave my baby girl Daisy to my cousin.

"Oh my God, she knows..." 

My little angel from above was never really mine to begin with. Ever since day one I had to fight to keep her. My dad threaten to kick us both out if Daisy stayed. Through tears and promises I convinced my dad to let me keep her. 

And with daisy there were four. My husband, duchess, daisy and I were a family. Little did I know that my little cow needed extra attention unlike my Duchess. I failed as a doggy mommy. I should have trained her better as she destroyed my dads backyard, drywall, and work shoes. I thought she was going through a puppy phase. It was more than that. I did not buckle down and I let her control my emotions. I should have tried harder but she always had one paw out the door. As time passed she grew to be more and more dominant and it hurt to see my baby Duchess just take it bc of her submissiveness. Fights between them got longer and scarier. 

"Oh my God, she knows..." 

My husband and I bought a house and even then he thought that maybe she wasn't fit to be in our family. Again, I cried and huffed and puffed telling him that she belonged with us. My little runt. She came with and all was right till I saw the life she would live if she stayed with us. Eight hours locked up in the laundry room with so much energy pent up, then we would come home from work and our energy would be drained. (Duchess is the chillest dog and she is never locked up bc she is done with the destructive phase) Not being able to make up for that time. She didn't belong in this house but I just couldn't even muster the idea of letting go. Something clicked one day though, she needed more love and attention. I asked my cousin if he was still interested and he said yes. (Shelters were NEVER EVER AN OPTION. Ive even made my cousin promise me to give her back if he couldn't handle her) I cried. I cried as I saw his message saying he would take her because I knew right there and then that my little perfect family would be broken up. 

"Oh my God, she knows..."

The night before we gave her to my cousin, I had a dream that I was best friends with Kristen Wiig and we were pulling pranks on people. People say that dreams are a way of God talking to us. Maybe it's true or not but if he was talking to me, he was probably saying to not be sad. My Heart kept getting heavier and heavier as time passed and it was closer to going to my cousins. I sat in the back seat with her and she sat right on me. My little dog was protecting me and loving me till the very end. Got out of the car and tears were on the edge of my ducts, waiting. I handed the leash to my cousin and my happy little daisy was acting as happy as always. Excited for all of this attention she was getting. I explained to my cousin what to do and what not to do as fast as I could so that I could leave as fast as possible. We double parked so it wasn't like we had an option. Said goodbye as my voice started cracking and as I started walking away not wanting to look back, he said, "Oh my God, she knows.." and I looked back like the idiot that I am and I saw her little face through the fence. Just staring at me, probably wondering why I was leaving her behind. I don't even remember anything after that. Next thing I know, I'm in the car and my brother in law is trying to console me. His words were like sand going through open hands. I only kept hearing "Oh my god, she knows..." Over and over again. And every time I do, I physically need to hold myself so that I don't lose it. It's been three days and I can hear it as clear as a bell. My sighs and breaths are so deep, it feels like I'm gasping for air, it feels like I'm drowning and all this water keeps filling my lungs, burning my lungs, trying to fill my lungs with something. Mornings are the worst. I would be woken up with a tail wagging and hitting everything in its way. Jumps and kisses. I miss her but I know she is probably better in her new home. Getting all the attention necessary since my cousin works from home. My little angel. I hope she doesn't think I just left her bc I didn't love her. I loved her too much that I had to let her go. I didn't really feel like saying anything to anyone but questions will arise and I just want to be done and over with this. I want to wake up with eternal sunshine in my spotless mind but it looks impossible. Time will heal all though. Time will heal all. Time will heal all. Time will heal all.

Update:

It has now been what seems like years but it's only been a little over two months that i've physically seen her and held her close to me. It still stings and some days I want to just bawl but it's a lot better from the first days. Just like I'd known all along, Daisy is doing wonderful with my cousin. She has won many hearts and is in great hands. The little princess is the center of attention, just like she needed to be. I see pictures and videos of her little adventurous times at my cousins and it makes my heart so happy. That little baby girl, how I miss her so. As for Duchess missing her, I've said Daisy's name a couple of times and Duchess doesn't even bat an eye at my direction. She's happy to be the only child again. Probably relieved.

This is a picture he sent me of her not too long ago. It looks like she's living the life.

I rather..

be immature than being stuck up and pretending like I'm too good for jokes. That's how people get old.

What do you do...

...when things don't go right? I often think that maybe one day, one day I will break down and cry for 25 hours because one day of crying just wouldn't be enough. We were so close to moving in to our humble abode but things turned into bananas and we split. (See what I did there.) I know that it is no reason to get upset, because like my friend said "Be grateful that you have the privilege about even worrying about that kind of stuff..." and darn it, he's right. Passing homeless people left and right in the morning like if I was avoiding cracks on the sidewalk.

I know that everything will be alright. I just wish it wouldn't take over my husbands head because his pretty little head is gonna turn 50 shades of grey overnight.

This day, the house "situation" had me like a yo yo. My mind was doing circles around my body. I could see it. I did quite a few mistakes today but nothing a good kick in the mental ass couldn't fix.

P.S. Why do people think it's ok to be bossy? I mean, I know you have "authority" over me, but don't push it. I want to see some people do stuff that they don't have to do just so they could see how "easy" they keep saying it is. Please, shut up. I said please.

Tonight, when I was so anxious to just go to bed and sleep, I sat on the train and all of a sudden I heard this young man, probably in his late 20's early 30's call his mom to pick him up because he had new shoes and didn't want to walk because he wanted to make time for his video games. Yes, one of those guys. Well, the man turned around to this younger lady and asked "Hey, where are you coming from?"  Let me first start off by saying that since I was probably in one of those grumpy moods, I thought that if he had said that to me, I would have easily pretended that I didn't hear him until he got the point that I didn't want to make conversation. But this young lady said "I just came from a musical!" insert biggest smile ever. The man proceeded to ask "How was it?" and she said "It was awesome!...." I couldn't hear the rest but her voice sounded very enthusiastic. I couldn't tell if she was being genuine because my brain was too fried to even want to eavesdrop, but five minutes passed and she was still talking to him with genuine responses and she was even asking him questions. I'm sorry, I know that I can be a little guarded against strangers but that is only because I watch way too much TV and I know that certain men can be creepos, rapists, etc. But I was probably wrong, and here this woman was talking to him like if they were gonna be instantly BFFs. He asked "So you got a man?" and I thought to myself "yup, this is what I was waiting for." He is trying to see if she is single or not and was she gonna be like "phew, this is my escape let me tell him that I'm married so that he can get a hint to stop talking to me" but she said "I'm married! Yesterday was our one month anniversary!" and they continued their conversation.

I'm a sad little creature sometimes. I can't seem to be THAT friendly like that woman was. She was getting a star from me and I wanted to tell her how beautiful she was because she was not rude, she was not curt, she was warm, friendly, and most of all not a judge. I judged him before he even said a word on the phone. I wanted to take out my "I'm married" badge (they should make those for real though, for creeps that try to hit on me) and tell him to beat it. But he just wanted to make conversation. Everyone wants to make conversation at least once in their life. Nobody wants to be lonely, not even spiders ::shudders::. And I must add, when they finished their conversation, he turned around and then turned to me and I pretended like I was falling asleep. I'm a bitch. lol.



And even though I said in the beginning of my story that I was sleepy, I had to take time for this girl. She deserves to be recognized. I loved that young lady today. What a beautiful human being.

I always knew...

...that when I would get married, but I never knew that it would be to my best friend. He is something else, he never ceases to amaze me. That outer shell he carries is no shell at all. He carries his heart and soul on his sleeve and he is always true to himself.

I married a man. Thank you God for that.

Time seems like it's ticking faster every day. Just this Monday, it was a month since we've been married. It's been like a dream, I still can't get over the fact that he's my husband. A person that will grow old with me. To build a future with our bare hands, to leave a mark on this world with our love...that's all I want. I want it to never end. That in that next world, he'll still be with me.

I love my family. My little family.

Fourth time

Fourth time my husband and I have gone house hunting. It's no easy feat. I thought it would be, and I can see stress that is causing the love of my life and I wish I could just take it all away. My poor man stresses out so much. I know we will find our house, and I know that everything will be alright. Just wish he would have confidence that we will find our home.

Talking about home, I hope he knows that he is my home. Wherever he goes, and I am not there, I will be homesick. I will miss his hugs, his kiss, his words my shelter...

my girls are sleeping right next to me and I wish I could just snuggle up next to them like they do with me in the middle of the night. but for some reason, they don't think I'm an excellent sneaky snuggler. They move two feet from me and start their slumber all over again. Hmph.

It's getting closer. Closer to forever with my boo every moment I spend with him, we are growing older. We grew up together, find ourselves together even when we are miles apart. I love him forever, the captain of my heart.

I wish I was with him right now.

I wish I could actually drink a milkshake right now too. Fudge. I'm such a fat little kid inside.

Mental note: I must stop saying the word fat. I just said thirty minutes ago when I saw a picture of

Lol. no.

I'm getting married by church soon, I know that I don't need a religion to tell me that God has united us as husband and wife. God knows that the mister and I are one beating heart, two of a kind, three seeing eyes, four beating hearts. God has given us our blessing because if he hadn't then right now we wouldn't be husband and wife. He makes everything possible and I have faith that He knows that He is forever in our family. Church will just make everything "official" for my devout catholic family. I don't mind it honestly. There is nothing to mind. I like tradition. My parents were married in a church, my parent's parents where married in a church, his parents were married in a church...I think it's beautiful. It's a beautiful tradition, the lighting of the unity candle, my dad "giving me away" hehehe even though I'm already taken. LOL.

Oh and guys, I'm not pregnant. :)

We need some cheer...STAT!

My sweet, beautiful, charming, friend Liz has the blahs and I dedicate this post to her. 

Give me a C! Give me an H! Give me an E! Give me an E! Give me a R! 

lets start off with a picture of this little thing

This is you right now, let's see if we can turn your blahs into a smile. 

So there was this kitten that lived in a sock...

He had nothing to do while his friends were all out, giving out hugs..

 

His buddy...Putzo said "Hey! I don't do no hugs! Don't you look at me!"

So he asked his duckling friends to come over so they could all hang out, but they couldn't seem to get over the sidewalk...

They were too small...

Are you smiling yet? If not then...

SO onwards with my story... So kitten calls his friend Smiley ask if he wants to hang out but he is too busy smiling because he's all drugged out. (Got his balls cut off) 

So Kitten gives up and decides to work out, but this winter was a long one and he feels like a walrus doing sit ups...

The feat was too much and he decides to just take a nap but could not go to sleep so he decides to count sheep but instead he got a smiling lamb in his head...

........