Love...

So I'm still hurting but peace is slowly coming. My baby girl is in good hands. Surrounded by people that will love her so much, and already do. But I still miss her. I just hope she doesn't miss me once. I can't even start to imagine if she did miss me. I hate seeing anyone else in pain bc of me. Even if I had enemies....I can't begin to think about plotting against them. My little cow, I hope she quickly forgets my face if she hasn't already. I love you. 

Mommys little girl

"Oh my God, she knows..."

This past Sunday a chunk of my heart broke off and I don't see it returning anytime soon. My husband and I made a decision, the hardest I think I've ever made in my 26 years of existence. We gave my baby girl Daisy to my cousin.

"Oh my God, she knows..." 

My little angel from above was never really mine to begin with. Ever since day one I had to fight to keep her. My dad threaten to kick us both out if Daisy stayed. Through tears and promises I convinced my dad to let me keep her. 

And with daisy there were four. My husband, duchess, daisy and I were a family. Little did I know that my little cow needed extra attention unlike my Duchess. I failed as a doggy mommy. I should have trained her better as she destroyed my dads backyard, drywall, and work shoes. I thought she was going through a puppy phase. It was more than that. I did not buckle down and I let her control my emotions. I should have tried harder but she always had one paw out the door. As time passed she grew to be more and more dominant and it hurt to see my baby Duchess just take it bc of her submissiveness. Fights between them got longer and scarier. 

"Oh my God, she knows..." 

My husband and I bought a house and even then he thought that maybe she wasn't fit to be in our family. Again, I cried and huffed and puffed telling him that she belonged with us. My little runt. She came with and all was right till I saw the life she would live if she stayed with us. Eight hours locked up in the laundry room with so much energy pent up, then we would come home from work and our energy would be drained. (Duchess is the chillest dog and she is never locked up bc she is done with the destructive phase) Not being able to make up for that time. She didn't belong in this house but I just couldn't even muster the idea of letting go. Something clicked one day though, she needed more love and attention. I asked my cousin if he was still interested and he said yes. (Shelters were NEVER EVER AN OPTION. Ive even made my cousin promise me to give her back if he couldn't handle her) I cried. I cried as I saw his message saying he would take her because I knew right there and then that my little perfect family would be broken up. 

"Oh my God, she knows..."

The night before we gave her to my cousin, I had a dream that I was best friends with Kristen Wiig and we were pulling pranks on people. People say that dreams are a way of God talking to us. Maybe it's true or not but if he was talking to me, he was probably saying to not be sad. My Heart kept getting heavier and heavier as time passed and it was closer to going to my cousins. I sat in the back seat with her and she sat right on me. My little dog was protecting me and loving me till the very end. Got out of the car and tears were on the edge of my ducts, waiting. I handed the leash to my cousin and my happy little daisy was acting as happy as always. Excited for all of this attention she was getting. I explained to my cousin what to do and what not to do as fast as I could so that I could leave as fast as possible. We double parked so it wasn't like we had an option. Said goodbye as my voice started cracking and as I started walking away not wanting to look back, he said, "Oh my God, she knows.." and I looked back like the idiot that I am and I saw her little face through the fence. Just staring at me, probably wondering why I was leaving her behind. I don't even remember anything after that. Next thing I know, I'm in the car and my brother in law is trying to console me. His words were like sand going through open hands. I only kept hearing "Oh my god, she knows..." Over and over again. And every time I do, I physically need to hold myself so that I don't lose it. It's been three days and I can hear it as clear as a bell. My sighs and breaths are so deep, it feels like I'm gasping for air, it feels like I'm drowning and all this water keeps filling my lungs, burning my lungs, trying to fill my lungs with something. Mornings are the worst. I would be woken up with a tail wagging and hitting everything in its way. Jumps and kisses. I miss her but I know she is probably better in her new home. Getting all the attention necessary since my cousin works from home. My little angel. I hope she doesn't think I just left her bc I didn't love her. I loved her too much that I had to let her go. I didn't really feel like saying anything to anyone but questions will arise and I just want to be done and over with this. I want to wake up with eternal sunshine in my spotless mind but it looks impossible. Time will heal all though. Time will heal all. Time will heal all. Time will heal all.

Update:

It has now been what seems like years but it's only been a little over two months that i've physically seen her and held her close to me. It still stings and some days I want to just bawl but it's a lot better from the first days. Just like I'd known all along, Daisy is doing wonderful with my cousin. She has won many hearts and is in great hands. The little princess is the center of attention, just like she needed to be. I see pictures and videos of her little adventurous times at my cousins and it makes my heart so happy. That little baby girl, how I miss her so. As for Duchess missing her, I've said Daisy's name a couple of times and Duchess doesn't even bat an eye at my direction. She's happy to be the only child again. Probably relieved.

This is a picture he sent me of her not too long ago. It looks like she's living the life.